Wednesday, January 18, 2006

A slice of life

My social life has reached a new low, I've been invited to an adult circumcision. The invitation came today in the mail. Appropriately enough, I opened it with a letter opener.

It gets worse. The guy's wife is planning this as a surprise party. The timing of when everyone yells "surprise" would appear to be very critical.

The invitation makes the point (sorry) that he's having it done for "cosmetic" reasons -- unless he's going to start exposing himself at bus stops, I have no idea what that might mean.

I was once invited to a bris. It was very nice. They served cake. Everyone received a commemorative ball point pen. Nobody else did, but I thought that was really, really funny.

The invitation that I received today says "No Presents," which of course means that they expect a present. What do you give a guy who now has less than everything? A mutual friend sent an email to me saying that he is considering giving steak knives, a new putter, or a big tube of SuperGlue. He was not joking, he once gave dueling pistols as a wedding present.

A friend who is a RN says that this procedure starts with two injections of local anesthetic. I will be passed out on the floor by then so whatever happens next really does not matter.

As if this could not be any weirder, what we will actually be watching in their home will be a video tape of the unveiling that will take place at a hospital earlier in the day. I've seen this guy naked, that camera is going to need a zoom lens!


Spinster said...

I predict a divorce within 1 year. I can't see how he would want people to know about this, much less have to see them all for a party the same day. Is this sensitivity? Is this love? I think not. She needs to put his feelings first.

Of course I understand that I don't know these people and my comments may be completely inaccurate, but that's what it seems like to me.
they're a couple that like to involve other people in every aspect of their lives -- my guess is that she figured everyone would find out so just get all of the jokes out of the way at one time, you just know there is going to be a penis-shaped cake!

I could not figure out how it could be a surprise since he would see the video camera, but my friend the RN says that people want to video tape almost everything now, but the video still seems like the strangest part to me!!

Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

I'd take him some pain meds, it hurts like a mutha after having that done.

I had it done whenI was 13 (I think I was much younger when they decided it was needed but it was such a long waitng list on the National Health)for health reasons and I sure as hell ain't having that done again!

I have an uncle who had it done when he was in his twenties, I done know why they didn't do it when he was born. the father of the baby whose bris I attended had it done jusr before he married the baby's mother (she was Jewish, he converted) -- he had pain, and no sex, for a long time.

Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

Least I had a general anesthetic when I had it done, a whole ward of us had it down.

We had a competition to see who could hold out longer before having to visit the restroom for a pee as it hurt.

Now if I had been Jewish I would've had it done at seven days old and never remembered the pain.

60% of Americans have it done at birth, it shows up as "Circ $300" on the hospital bill. the "whole ward" is really a funny image, sorry

The Phoenix said...

What ever happened to good 'ol tupperware parties?
someone keeps making off wit the lids

Carnealian said...

Jim, I think you win the prize for getting invited to the weirdest event on the planet. I don't think I could attend if I actually knew the person. So, if you need a date, I'd love to go! As far as the gift goes...I cannot think of a thing!======================
the invitation is still in the garage, I'll check later and see if it says "Jim & Date" -- instead of a gift I was thinking of bringing a tray of cold cuts from Schnucks.

siren said...

I think now I have officially heard everything.

:P fuzzbox said...

Cosmetic reasons, that is baffling. I can picture the guy shaving one morning and looking in the mirror and thinking. That is one ugly penis. I know, I will just snip off the hoodie. And voila, my pretty pecker.
it has been suggested this evening that perhaps the whole thing (sorry) is just a cover story (sorry) for penis enlargement surgery -- I'll scan and post the invitation tomorrow (Thursday)

The Phoenix said...

So his wife actually wants him to get penis enlargement surgery? Oh brother, now THAT is something I'd like broadcast to family and friends.
I have additional information:
It is just a circumcision.
It is because every male in his family is and he isn't.
No one is quite sure why it was not done when he was born.
The "Coming Out" party will have a debutante theme (I have no idea what that means).
It is a surprise party as a payback for a surprise 30th birthday party.
The video will be shown on the new flat-panel wide-screen TV the wife is having installed as a surprise. (Over kill. I think I might still have a video of his bachelor party -- I might bring that along for comparison purposes!!!)
As soon as I posted the comment that I was going to bring cold cuts instead of a present, my dueling-pistols friend sent an email that he's bringing frozen bananas for desert.
The party is in early February, I'll keep you posted.