Monday, October 31, 2005

Tonight On Showtime

"A group of young adult friends on a trip to Florida for spring break are menaced by a serial killer." Don't you hate when that happends?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Now This Is A Real Mind Bender, Oh, I mean Cognitive Twister

Based on a report in The Observer (Guardian Newspapers Limited, UK), June 26, 2005

The Department of Enterprise, Trade and Investment (DETI) in Belfast will use the term 'thought-showers' when they get together to think creatively. 'Brainstorming', the buzz term used by executives to generate ideas among their staff, has been deemed politically incorrect by civil servants because it is thought to be offensive to people with brain disorders. Sources inside the department said there was concern that the term would cause offense to sufferers of epilepsy as well those with brain tumors or brain injuries.

The Welsh Development Agency had previously banned the terms "nitpick" and "manila" (as in envelopes and folders) "because of their origins in the slave trade." Apparently only The Welsh Development Agency knows how the two words are related to the slave trade and it's not telling.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Love is a many-splintered thing

I went to a wedding reception about six weeks ago. A fancy affair, there was enough mostaciolli (pronounced MUSKACHOLLI) to plaster the inside of a decent size home.

On the plate, with each piece of wedding cake, was a nice mint wrapped in gold foil. On each piece of foil was printed “Boob-Job and No-Chin appreciate your present.” [I changed the names slightly.]

So, six weeks later, still no thank-you note, so I guess that was it!

This is the second time this has happened to me! A couple of years ago, the mothers of the bride and groom circulated at a reception I was attending, handing out little scrolls of paper, each tied with the cutest little ribbon, On each scroll was printed: “Thank you for the wonderful present. /s/ Pregnant and Not-The-Father.” [Again, I have changed the names slightly.]

At any wedding, there are exactly two happy people: the bride and her mother. The bride’s father is pissed because he had to pay for the whole damn thing. The groom and the groomsmen are hungover from the night before. Those in attendance are all thinking, “for this schmaltzy thing I gave up my Saturday.” The groom’s parents? They are of course wondering how long before tweedy-bird figures out that junior is gay.

So be it hereby noted, that henceforth from this day forward, I will give no wedding presents and I will attend no more events at which there is even the slightest chance whatsoever that someone will for any reason do the Hokey Pokey. The only exception will be if I need some mostaciolli to grout the cracks in my driveway.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Ketchup, Catsup, Cetchup, Better Buy A Bottle of Each

In a man's world, there is no such thing as having too much ketchup. Even if they delivered it to the door in tank cars, we would ask "Is there a larger size?"

At the same time, we also alway firmly believe that we are out of ketchup. The latter is a consequence of ketchup-blindness -- an inherited trait of the male of the species which renders him unable to find ketchup in a refrigerator or in a cabinet without first asking "Where's the ketchup?"