Saturday, April 30, 2005

APRIL 2005

The posts below are from the original it's jim blog in April, 2005.
The original comments were not included in the backup files.

Friday, April 29, 2005

It Never Says It's Sorry

My car locks itself whenever I get near it. That's right, now I'm also being rejected by machinery!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Let Us Pay

I think I'm going to start my own church, the First United Church of Jim. As a member, when you break up with someone, you just have Jim's Church issue a writ of excommunication and declare your ex a heretic. I know you would still be alone, but the paperwork would keep your mind occupied and I could use the donations.

Turn Left on George

Streets never seem to be named after men using only their first names but it is common for women. Near where I live, are Irma Avenue, Hilda Street, and Colleen Drive. You never see Bob Boulevard, Bubba Parkway, or South Sam Street. When you do see what could be a man's first name on a street, you can usually assume it is actually someone's last name. James Street and Thomas Street are good examples. Even Richards Street probably does not mean 'Richard's Street' -- it is just some guy whose last name is Richards. I do know where there is a Little John Lane, but that raises whole other issues.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Road Rage

Why do highway departments put up signs that say 'Bump Ahead' -- why don't they just fix the bump?

Monday, April 25, 2005

Maybe They Sleep in School

Why is the Disney Channel on all night? For 11-year old insomniacs?

An Unbusy Number

Phone no go 'ring, ring' anymore. I cut through the phone cable in the family room wall with a jigsaw. Hey, you never called anyway.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

He Probably Also Votes

Followed a pickup into town today that had turn signals on both side mirrors. What a great idea! They were especially useful when the guy made a left turn from the far-right lane, across three lanes of traffic. Alas, technology can only do so much.

Friday, April 22, 2005


I put a booster fan in the clothes dryer vent. Now I can pretty much turn dryer lint into space junk.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

A Moss-Covered Stone

I was sitting in the driveway after lunch, on a folding lawn chair, picking my teeth with a pine tree needle that I picked up off of the concrete – maybe I've been in Illinois too long!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Wind Betwixt My Ears

My head is completely empty. It contains no thought. This may not necessarily make the world a better place. If nothing else, however, it will be a quieter place.

For Whom the Coins Roll

I have glasses to read. Glasses to see the computer screen. Glasses to see distance. That is why I always seem to have one or more pair on top of my head. By an odd coincidence, the distance to my computer screen is exactly the same distance as the hand of the person giving back your change at the drive-up window at McDonalds. Since I do not bring the distance-to-the-computer-screen glasses with me to McDonalds, this means that I am always the dork in the drive-thru line in front of you who invariably drops his change on the pavement. Rather than cursing to no avail, come on up and say Hey! Give a dork a break today.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Now You Don't See It, And Now You Still Don't

There is a S-curve on a road near my house. I bring this up only because the city has recently placed a sign on the curve that reads "Hidden Driveway". I think the implied message is "Look out for cars entering and leaving the driveway located on the blind part of the curve." That probably would have required a much larger sign. As would "We really screwed up when we designed this thing or you would be actually able to see if there are any cars entering or leaving the driveway." I drove by the sign today and it also could have read "You could probably see the driveway if the weeds growing on the city's right-of-way were not the size of redwoods." I have no great insightful conclusion to draw from all of this, I just like signs.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Cleanup On Aisle 9

Went to the grocery store last night. Big mistake on a Saturday evening. Hoards of children grazing on the free pizza samples and synthetic-looking sausages links. Glazed-eyed men wondering aimlessly up and down aisles clutching little lists given them by absent spouses. Bag-boys flirting with cashiers twice their age and three-times their IQ. A microcosm of social misadventure wedged helplessly between yesterday's ground beef marked down to sell quickly and the not-quite-ripe melons overpriced because they are the first of the season.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Speak Not for Whom the Bell Toils

A new toy. I installed the speech recognition feature in Microsoft Office XP. It makes a few mistakes, but fewer than you would expect. "I intended to go to the meeting " became "I intended to go to the beating." I ended a message with "thanks" and it typed "banks." So banks for the beating and I'll be back tomato.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Water, We Deliver

Now, this is the strangest thing that I have ever had happen to a car. The back passenger-side door filled with water. Slosh, slosh! Not a little water but gallons. Slosh, slosh. I heard it yesterday afternoon while driving but could not figure out what it was. When I got home, I opened the door. Slosh, slosh. I wiggled the door. Slosh, slosh, slosh. I slammed the door. Slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh. I called the dealer. It seems that the door is made for the water that seeps in around the seals to drain out the bottom. If the drains get clogged, well, you get slosh, slosh. The dealer told me to "wiggle around on the rubber on the bottom of the door." Gush, gush, gush. Lots of water. Am I wrong, but is this all not really odd? Gurgle, gurgle, drip, drip.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Fat frogs flying past fast

Try to say "secure socket" three times fast. Okay, now send me a dollar.

Read Before You Sign

Sign in front yard of a house not too far away: "House For Sale With Owner." This raises some interesting questions. First, could you buy the house à la carte, without the owner, and would be be cheaper that way? Second, if you bought the house with the owner, would the owner do windows and other household chores or just be a freeloader? Third, are they covering prepositions in sufficient depth in the local public schools? And fourth, as always, do I have way too much time on my hands?

Monday, April 11, 2005

May I Rest in Peace

Well, the phone company officially thinks that I'm dead! A letter came today from their “Credit & Collections” department that, while acknowledging that there are sometimes delays “in settling an estate,” strongly suggests that I pay my final bill (as ,of course, we all must at some point in time, let us pray). The final bill is for $0.00. Yes, $0.00. If I weren't dead, I'd send them a check for $0.00.

Self Above All Else

“Please return in a stamped, self-addressed envelope.” That's what it says on the bottom of a warranty card that I'm filling out! Wouldn't it just come back to me?

Sunday, April 10, 2005


“Off” is its own opposite. “I turned off the alarm” “The alarm went off.” A word that is it's own antonym is called a contronym. Another is oversight. “Leaving the sponge in you was an oversight.” “I am on the oversight committee.” Could I be more of a nerd!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

More Than Candy is Dandy

A fellow who worked for me many years ago gave up candy for Lent. Wouldn't eat it. Wouldn't touch it. On the other hand, he didn't give up sleeping with his girlfriend, whom he was cheating on his fiancée with. I believe this is known, among other things, as missing the point.

Friday, April 08, 2005

More Cloth Makes the Clothes

I got tired of people saying “What happened to the diet, I thought you were going to lose some more weight,” so I went to the Big & Tall Shop and bought some big-tall shirts. Today someone said “Looks like you've lost a little weight.” So, it is true, packaging is everything.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

It's the Real Cheap Thing

A large Coke at McDonald's is $1.35 (plus tax). If you take back your empty cup and ask for a refill (even at the drive-through), your large Coke is $0.49 – you save $0.86 each visit. Now that I have told you, I think you should send me half. You would still save $0.43 and I would be happy.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Cheers Before Crossing

About 25% of accidents at railroad crosses involve drivers broadsiding moving trains with their cars or trucks. Says booze to me.