Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Army Announces End to 20-Year Cloning Experiment

The Department of Defense announced today that it was ending the Army's super-secret, Black-Budget attempt to produce the perfect soldier using cloning technology. "Oh they look good of course," said Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld, "but all they want to do is lie in the sun and rub oil on one another. We can't get them to wear pants much less carry a gun." Fox News immediately blamed Bill Clinton for the failure of the experiment and for this week's rolling power blackouts in Texas.

NBC cut into regular programming to announce the end of the cloning experiment but will wait until Dateline's next "Is Tom Cruise Gay" segment to cover the topic in depth. CBS said it would wait until Katie Couric takes over the CBS Evening News before covering the story in order to gain the "woman's perspective" on "all those hunks in trunks." No one at ABC could verify that they still have a news department.

Hardest hit by the end of the experiment will likely be the WB network. "Our original plan was simply to euthanize the reject clones," confirmed a spokesperson for the Army, "but the WB was eager to take them off our hands to star in Dawson's Creek." Industry buzz is that the end of the cloning experiment, therefore, will probably also mean the demise of One Tree Hill.


Jim said...

The photo in the post is of the contestants in the 2005 Mr. Switzerland Contest while they were on vacation to Turkey (No, I don't know why they went to Turkey).

Since my post about the new Swiss tourist campaign, many visitors to the site have gotten here searching for photos of Renzo Blumenthal, the 2005 winner who is in the TV commercial.

For those folks, here are a couple additional photos of Renzo, without the cow.

The Phoenix said...

Maybe they should be merciful and send the clones either to San Francisco or Miami Beach. Release them into the wild, I say.
it is a little freaky that they look so much alike, especially from a country that is so ethnically diverse -- below is a picture from the pageant -- I would image that most are straight, most seem to have girl friends in the pictures from the after-party -- they're European, they have a different attitude about this type of thing -- remember, Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Olympia seven times plus being Mr. Universe and Mr. Europe -- and I believe he posed for Robert Mapplethorpe.

Amy in SC said...

I REALLY need to connect with my Swiss roots now. With my luck, I'd find out I was related to him
remember, these are photographs taken by professionals, after other professionals have done hair and make-up, all the real hunks are in Illinois :)

Spinster said...

NO! Not One Tree Hill! I need that! I need access to pretty people with too much money for their ages getting married too young and therefor divorced buy having to act like they're in love so that they can make more money and show everyone how pretty they are!
sorry, you'll have to make do with The OC