Love Wounds All Heals

Love ain't easy, but it's better than having to watch UPN:

In Texas, of course, the State's Attorney General has ruled that the Kerr County Tax Assessor-Collector cannot marry the Kerr County Tax Appraiser, albeit they be of different sexes, because of the state's nepotism laws. The bride-to-be has graciously offered to wait three years and then not run for reelection. No word on how long the would-be groom is willing to wait.

According to the Italians, if he can wait a year, he won't care all that much. It seems that they have discovered that falling passionately in love is triggered by a molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF), but the passion only lasts one year. After a year with the same lover, the quantity of NGF or the 'love molecule' in the blood falls to the same level as that of everybody else. This, of course, is why we have prenupts.

And, finally, word comes from Australia that prostitutes as old as 70 continue to ply their trade in small towns in rural Australia. It seems them Australian city folks want younger and more attractive sex professionals, so the older ladies hit the road to visit with them country gentlemen. [There is absolutely nothing that I could add to the end of this paragraph that would not offend someone. So no jokes about a new meaning to the phrase "street walker."]

One Slight Step Above Your Imaginary Friend

Oliver is a bot that you chat with, just as you would chat with anyone online. This might not be as much fun as entering random UPC codes into Google, but it is pretty clever.

Way Beyond The Normal Buzz

That's right! If you cannot make it to work without downing ten cups of coffee along the way, then RoadPro's 10-Cup Coffee Maker -- that plugs conveniently into your car's cigarette lighter -- is perfect for you. Note especially that no attempt whatsoever has been made to make this thing safe to use in a car -- nothing like ten cups of hot, scalding coffee sloshing around in an un-anchored coffee pot while you're cruising down the old Interstate.

Ouch, That Hurts

First, we have the girl who died from kissing the boy who ate peanuts. Not only has this sad event generated a few hundred really bad jokes online, it now is making me a little skeptical. The boy had eaten the peanuts several hours before, not right before the kiss. How much residual peanut could he have had in his mouth after all that time? My feeling is that there is more to this story yet to come out, so don't sell your Snickers stock just yet.

Second, comes word that doctors are switching to longer needles because our collective national rump has gotten so big that regular-size needles just ain't doin' the job. I've never been squeamish about getting an injection, but I do know people who next to pass out if you even mention a shot. After all the news reports, they should be pretty much in a coma by now.

Finally, we have word out of Fort Myers Beach, Florida, that police shot a naked man in his you-know-where with a Taser. The average Taser would have delivered about 50,000 volts to the guy's you-know-what. (A cattle prod -- which really, really hurts -- produces about 5,000 volts.) The man was taken to the hospital for treatment of his, you know, what's-left.

And You Thought I Couldn't Get Any Dumber!!!

The picture above is of the Most Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Eureka, Missouri (about 30 miles west of downtown St. Louis.) If you look just to the left of the church in the picture, you can get a feel for the view of the Meramec River Valley that it commands from its hilltop location.

Many, many, many years ago, the church was located in the heart of Eureka, which was then a little railroad town located on the old state road between St. Louis and the state capital (Jefferson City) and Springfield MO.

At some point in time (1950's maybe), the parish bought land right next to U.S. 66 and built a new grade school. High on a knoll overlooking the highway, there was not even room for a service road when 66 was up graded to I-44. Like many catholic parishes in the St. Louis area, mass was held in what was supposed to be the school's auditorium until a new church could be built. That took 40 years or so and the church in the picture was just completed a couple years ago.

We are traveling down memory lane just to place in perspective how stupid I am.

The view of the new church that you see is roughly what bursts out at you when you are traveling east on I-44 -- it is a terrific location! I like the new church because it is very tradition -- so many new churches should have neon signs outside that say Redemption-Burgers!!!!! Sacred Heart is actually more attractive from the sides, you see the full the north side with it's stained glass windows from the highway, but I could not find a photograph online. The steeple is a little short for a Catholic Church, and a little too Norman for my tastes, but that's just me being picky.

The land on the opposite side of Route 66/I-44 was always lower, and far from level. There were several businesses there overtime but the access was terrible and none survived.

About a year or so ago, someone started blasting into the rock on the north side of the freeway (Sacred Heart is on the south side). And, I mean they moved major quantities of rock, until they had produced a large level area considerably lower than I-44 (but at the same level at MO 109 that crosses under the Interstate).

Then they started to build, using essentially the same color bricks as the Catholic church on the south side of the highway and the same white limestone trim.

The new building going up on the north side of the road had a large central "naive" -- with a high pitched roof -- and a giant Romanesque window in the front. On either side of the central building there were many attached lower buildings in the same brick and trim that I assumed were for Sunday School, youth groups, administration, and other church-related activities. There were no signs along the freeway, so I just figured that a Protestant Church of some denomination was building a clearly much larger church complex than the nearby Catholic Church -- making up in size for the somewhat inferior geographic position. A little ecclesiastical gamesmanship perhaps, under the noise of the looming Catholic structure across the busy roadway.

Every time I passed the two buildings -- one complete and in use, the other underconstruction -- I replayed in my head the architectural aspects of the religious turmoil of the 15th and 16th centuries (when even suggesting that the sanctuary of a church did not have to be at the east end could get you burned at the stake) -- and of the anti-Catholicism of the early-20th century that caused the removal of the steeples of many historic Catholic churches.

Well, they finally put up a sign! Turns out it was not a new church at all but a new Schnucks grocery store and strip mall! That's right, what I thought was going to be a house of worship turned out to be a house of produce, and canned goods, and two-for-one sales. The photo below is of a similar Schnucks store. Could I be any dumber? Let us pay!

Nick Lachey to Marry Tom Cruise

Jessica Simpson Declares She Is Once Again A Virgin

It's Monday - Time For Our Absolutely Totally Useless Waste of Time

And, what could possibly be more of a waste of time than an online jigsaw puzzle!!!! Enjoy!!!

The Jigsaw Puzzle

Space Junk

Have you ever noticed that in the exact center of every major perfectly-symmetrical traffic intersection there is a little debris field -- shattered glass, bits of plastic, small metal parts -- that is the residual evidence of now forgotten collisions? There it sits until the wind, the rain, a street-sweeper, or errant drivers scatters it into oblivion.

I Naturally Smell Like An Orchid Oasis (Sure!)

Why have we need of air fresheners that puff smoke, have built-in fans, or contain whirling disks? Do those you know not bath? What odors do they hide? Why hast I reverted to medieval English? I knowest not. Probably the fumes.

It's Saturday Night Bar Bet Time

The names of how many States appear on the back of a five dollar bill?

There is an urban myth that all 50 appear, which is wrong. (And, the American flag does not appear above Parliament on the Canadian two dollar bill.)

The names of 48 States are carved around the top of the Lincoln Memorial (because that's how many States there were in 1922 when the building was dedicated).

But only the front of the memorial is shown on the five dollar bill.

The answer is 26 -- there are engravings of 26 State names on the front of the building, as a result only 26 of the States appear on the note.

There is an odd twist, however. This is what the Treasury Depart has to say:

"The upper frieze of the Memorial bears the States of Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin, California, Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska, Colorado, and North Dakota. The lower Frieze lists the States of Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia, and New York. In addition, the engravings show the abbreviated names 'Hampshire' (for New Hampshire) and 'Carolina' (for South Carolina). We have no information why the prefixes for these states were not used." [Emphasis added.]

What Light Through Yonder Willows Breaks?

This is old Route 66, which they recently remade into a five-traffic lanes with paved shoulders monster. If you look at the far right in the top picture you can see one of the new traffic lights. You might have to click to enlarge the photo, there is a green arrow pointing at it. What is it doing there, way off by itself? The vertical red line is the edge of the right-most traffic lane.

The picture above shows a somewhat closer view. I had to wait to Fall to take these pictures, otherwise the light was pretty much hidden by road-side brush. Once again, the vertical red line is the edge of the southbound traffic lane (I'm parked on the paved shoulder). A signal at the height of that beacon in the boonies would normally be on the post that holds the thru-signals and left-turn signals above the roadway.

Here is an even closer picture. The traffic light is perpendicular to the roadway, it is not at an angle. I think that thing below the light is the control box for the signals.
But Jim, you might say, the light is clearly intended for right-turn traffic. But no, so wrong you would be. As you can see in the picture above, the light points straight, it is not at an angle. In addition, when you are stopped at the white line on the pavement, the light is actually behind you.
I took the last photo at night. The vertical yellow line is the edge of the traffic lane. You can see how far out into the grass the signal is, it is not even close to the shoulder.

He Should Have Built a Little Lego Car And Made a Run for It!

Oh you wacky guys in Oregon!!!!

A grand jury in Portland suburb of Hillsboro has charged a Nevada man with stealing $200,000 worth of Legos. It took a truck to haul the evidence away from the guy's house, said to be made of very small bricks.

This appears to be just the tip of the Lego iceberg, since the guy has sold over $600,000 worth of Legos on the Lego collectors' website (you know, the guys the Trekkies laugh at).The accused is being held in the Washington County (Ore.) jail on $250,000 bail.

[Source: MSNBC/AP]

A Gravy Boat Don't Float

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day, with a special prayer for all the G.I.'s in combat zones.

I finally had a chance to approve all of the comments, and to add comments of my own. I am going to turn off 'comment moderation' -- if for no other reason that it generates lots and lots of extra email.

Turkey by the parts (see below) worked out great, with everyone getting what they wanted (except me, of course, since I wanted peace and quiet). We ate at 1, everyone was gone by 4. I actually bought double the number of parts that I was told, that way everyone could leave with a container with his or her favorite turkey part, plus dressing, plus pie.

Rooty and I were then off to Missouri to have a second meal with my mother and aunt. I brought enough food with me so we didn't have to cook -- then her microwave blewup (pop, smoke, crackle). So I had to go to Wal*Mart and buy a new microwave before dinner could continue. Rooty had two, yes two, plates of cut-up turkey and climbed into his favorite chair. I don't expect him to be fully awake until Tuesday! We headed for home about 10 and I'm so tired my toes hurt.

Rooty's Thanksgiving

Plate 'o Turkey. Grandma's chair. Nap time.

It's Time Of Course To Play CATCH THE TURKEY

This always looks easier than it is!!!!!!
Play The Turkey Game

Yes. No, wait no. Sure. Nope.

The city recently rebuilt this street, and extended it to the new street that you see in the distance.

The RED arrow points to the No Parking sign.

The YELLOW arrow points to the fire hydrant.

The GREEN arrows point to the two new parking spaces painted right in front of the no-parking sign and the fire hydrant.

Your guess is a good as mine!!!!!!

Am I The Only One Who Stayed Up Too Late Last Night?

Arg!

Try the Reflex Tester, see how sharp you are today!

Man who put dead mother in freezer sentenced

The headline above is from MSNBC.com -- with the subhed:

Recluse who hid mom’s death to keep collecting her checks receives 7 years

And, now for the strange part:

According to msnbc.com: "Schuth [the recluse] has said he fantasized about being married to 'Alias' star Jennifer Garner. At his sentencing, he said: 'I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies.'"

Some Assembly Required

These are the turkey parts for Thanksgiving.

You have to see the Thanksmisgiving post to understand.

Reports of My Dearth Are Greatly Elaborated

I had a virus on the computer last week. The pc is now clean, but until I can figure out how it got onto a machine that is protected by both Norton and ZoneAlarm I am not sending out any email messages. I think it came out of one of the several backup systems that I use but until I can be sure I am not sending out any messages or files.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Time for our "It's Monday afternoon and I don't want to be here so I'm going to waste as much time as possible" game. This is really as complete a waste of time as you will ever find, but fun: Rock, Paper, Scissors

All Those Trips To Nuevo Laredo Finally Paid Off

Went to Lowes yesterday to buy a leaf blower -- the sign on the shelf said there would be a rebate on the cash register receipt, there wasn't -- after much todo, the asst. manager finally walked back to the display -- the rebate had expired but the date was only on the English side of the sign which was not showing, there was also a Spanish side and that is what was showing and it had no expriation date -- Leí Español, so I didn't flip the sign over -- she gave me a 10% discount on the leaf blower (roughly: descuento del 10% en el soplador de la hoja) .

We'll Show You

The penalty for attempting to commit suicide in England used to be death. That's right, if they caught you trying to hang yourself, you were arrested, tried, convicted, and hanged.

My New Favorite Expression

Rooty and I went to McDonald's and Long John Silver's this evening, our own version of surf and turf!

When the girl at the drive-thru window at Long John Silver's was handing us our food, someone must have said something to her in her headset. All that I heard was her reply. In her best 19 year-old angry and annoyed voice she said: "I can only do one thing at once!"

Mixed metaphor or not, it's a great reply!!

Thanksmisgivings

I have been cleaning all day, and will be cleaning all weekend. It was decided, against my strong objections, that the family would come to my house for Thanksgiving.

This is not a household set up for preparing meals. I don't have have the things that you need, like salt. I have two pans and a skillet. My oven has only been used to cook pizzas, and I don't do that anymore because you still have to clean up the mess it makes when it self-cleans itself.

I have mid-century modern furniture, it's mostly plastic. It's made to look at not sit on. My television is neither digital, not wide-screen, nor the size of a Buick, and you know people will whine about that. There are no TV's in the bedrooms, which appears to be a crime against nature.

One of them will ask me for an ashtray, and my head will explode.

It's Election Day in Sri Lanka

One of the presidential candidates, an especially wealthy Sri Lankan, said he will use his personal fortune to buy a cow for every home if he is elected. It would be like Bill Gates running in 2008 and buying each of us a Lexus. Heck, I'd be settle for the cow.

Do As I Say, Not As I Doodle

The local university is taking some heat. It seems that the welcome page to it's school of business website, supposedly a personal greeting from the current dean, appears to be a combination of the wording used by the previous dean and by the University of Southern California's Marshall School of Business on it's graduate admission's website. Oops. The campus newspaper was quick to call it plagiarism, a serious offense at a university, that can get you flunked or kicked out.

The official policy for students -- "The university recognizes plagiarism as a serious academic offense. Plagiarism, the act of representing the work of another as one's own, may take two forms. It may consist of copying, paraphrasing or otherwise using the written or oral work of another without acknowledging the source, or it may consist of presenting oral or written course work prepared by another as one's own."

The "dog ate my home work excuse" -- "It is the same as it was when [the previous dean] was here [about five years ago]," the present dean said. "I don't even know who wrote this."

The "I didn't inhale excuse" -- Regarding the information from the USC website, the present dean said, "The fact that it is identical to a public statement at another school ... If you asking me if that troubles me … I don't think so, given that it is true and applies to our faculty."

The "faulty but not misleading excuse" -- "There is no intention to misrepresent any thing with the School of Business through any of the statement made on the School of Business Web site," the present dean said.

Please note: Much of the above was blatantly plagiarized from "School of Business plagiarizes Web material," by Ted McKinney, in The Alestle Online (ALton, E. ST. Louis, Edwardsville, get it?) -- there is no copyright notice on the online pages.

Now This Is Just Sad

I was watching Roseanne reruns on Nick@Nite in the wee hours of this morning and I realized that the Conner family and I have the same dinner plates (above)! You just know that they sent someone out to buy the most tacky and chintzy plates possible, something to go with the frumpy wallpaper and innocuous kitchen linoleum. I bought mine because they were dishwasher safe, but I guess they are kind of tacky.

Goose is to geese as moose is to __________

Directions: When you see the word that completes the analogy, click on the button at the bottom left of the screen. Be quick! The choices for each analogy will only cycle through twice. The blue dot at the top of the screen tells you how long you have for each question. Click HERE to begin.

History Is Just Too Full of Facts

First there was Troy, the movie starring Brad Pitt as a hunkier Brad Pitt. It was probably just a made up story to begin with, but let's face it, if you take the gods and the gay out of a Greek tragedy all you have left is angry men in skirts.

Now there is Rome, on HBO, which stars some guy as Julius Caesar and another guy as Mark Antony and a bunch of other people as a bunch of other people. What were the original two episodes on the BBC were expand to three episodes on HBO because they figured Americans would not otherwise know enough about history to know what was going on, then they switched around people, and places, and times so that little of it matches actual history anyway.

Also now playing is The Virgin Queen on PBS, a two-parter about Elizabeth I of England. To quote Marge Simpson, Elizabeth was made queen so British actresses would have a part to play when they got old. I've only seen the first part so far but it's mostly about whether Elizabeth and her childhood buddy Robert Dudley were secretly lovers, which they denied. If they were, of course, Virginia would have to be renamed Lewinskia. Otherwise, the writers seem to have mostly moved around key events and made up private conservations.

Spanish Fly Me To The Moon

Here's Forbes magazine's list of ten aphrodisiacs that work -- and no, I don't know why they were in Forbes.

Barry White tunes
A few stiff drinks
A dozen oysters
Promises, promises ["So you want to be in pictures..."]
A little skin
Manolo Blahniks [they're shoes guys, I don't get it either]
Backrubs
Perfume
Money
A diamond engagement ring

My top aphrodisiac? Any sentence that beings "We can take the private jet ..."

A Crime of a Rhyme

On a whim, but full of vim, Jim headed to a gym to take a swim to make himself trim, but the lights were dim and he injured a limb when he leapt from the rim into the pool full to the brim and hit his shin on a guy named Tim who was singing a hymn to repent for a sin so, Jim now grim.

Dah!

I bought several bags of top soil, otherwise know as dirt, to fill in some holes in the yard. I supposed for people who have never seen dirt, the dirt came with directions.

And, How Was Your Monday?

OLD, OLD It's Jim Site

The posts from the original it's jim site have all been reposted below, immediately following the November posts. -- They can also be accessed via the archives.

I will reload the posts from the second it's jim site over the next few days.

On The Next Episode of COPS

On Veterans Day, a Palm Springs, California, man called police because he thought he heard a burglar. He invited police inside to check for the possible intruder. Can you see this one coming? While looking around for an intruder, the police noticed the guy's eight-foot tall pot plant, part of his $100,000 marijuana stash. He also had lots of other drug paraphernalia in plain sight.

We all know this guy, of course, he doesn't own a shirt, one of his five tattoos is a full-color cannabis leaf, and he hasn't washed his hair since puberty. We're still checking to see where he fits into our family tree!

I thought there was a boy-band vaccine!

Did we just not learn anything from the whole*NSYNC/Backstreet Boys era? Weren't laws passed? Weren't medical experiments conducted? Wasn't Justin Timberlake deported? Wasn't Nick Lachey one of the original Monkees? The following report is from the Associated Press:

"AP BROOKLYN CENTER, Minn., Nov. 13, 2005: Police shut down a suburban shopping mall Saturday after screaming fans of the boy band B5 rushed the stage during a free concert, grabbing at the band members' clothing and overwhelming the small team of security guards. "Things were falling off the stage, girls were falling off the stage, girls started fighting," said Theresa Curtis, who was working at a store near the stage."

Arg! I was sure that overly-synchronized choreography and pubescent lip-syncing had been declared public nuisances.

Time For Our Saturday Night Bar Bet

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Here is one of many sources.

And, Sit Up Straight

There are new highway signs on I-270 west of St. Louis that say "Headlights On When Wipers Are Required." For many 270-drivers, of course, this is the vehicular equivalent of walking and chewing gum at the same time.

"It's not that easy being green"

Yes, Rooty the Dog may be a bit strange -- being left-handed, sleeping with his eyes open, sleeping with his feet straight up in the air -- but at least he's not pastel. The green puppy.

Where Are Mulder and Scully When We Need Them?

This is the official story: 3,000 geese flew over St. Louis International Airport yesterday morning. The air traffic control radar system thought they were 3,000 airplanes, hyperventilated, and crashed. They switched to the backup system, it crashed (because of "faulty telephone lines"). The Kansas City air-traffic controllers took charge of the airspace over metro St. Louis until the backup system came back online.

This is what I found out on my own:

A night-shift fry cook at the McDonald's on Natural Bridge said he saw the geese and that is was "amazing that so many birds could fly in that tight saucer-shape pattern."

Harriet Sumters, a retired librarian who lives near 270 and Page said she heard all the honking but "thought that MODOT had just closed down Highway 40 a little sooner than planned."

A spokesman for the federal airport administration said that the only solution would be to have all waterfowl wear transponders similar to those installed in each aircraft. "We have highly paid consultants working on it now," he add, "so there is no reason for the public to panic yet and none of this has absolutely anything to do with the bird flu."

NOTE: 11/11/05 The new official story is that "high pressure" bent the radar beams from the primary radar system and it thought trees and cars were thousands of aircraft, so it shut down. (We all knew 270 would somehow get the blame , didn't we!). The airport is still operating on the backup system.

A Doggie's Work Is Never Done

Whenever I leave Rooty the Dog alone, he piles laundry in front of the windows. This is not a particularly easy task, since he has to drag this stuff up two flights of stairs -- and then down one -- to get it to the family room. I have no idea why he does this but if you drive by my house and there is underwear in the windows, it's not my fault.

We're Number One, We're Number . . . Oh!

St. Louis leads the nation in venereal disease: first in gonorrhea, second in chlamydia, and fifth in syphilis. I couldn't be more proud! But are the instructions on a pack of condoms really that difficult to follow?

hairy

what old guys really are.

[Note: Dave, 21, second-cousin once removed, had a short-lived blog site where he posted mostly suggestive, semi-naked drawings of himself and his friends (his parents are just now reentering Earth atmosphere). Each drawing was accompanied by a one-word headline and a short, cryptic caption. The drawing above, and the headline and caption, are from Dave's terminated blog site.]

Tonight on HBO

"Feardotcom: A cop and a health inspector investigate a website that causes the death of those who visit it."

TV Guide's review is: "Familiar thriller with few chills." [Emphasis added.]

Familiar?? I've somehow missed the entire killer-website film genre, although I have been bored near to death by more than a few actual websites.

Anyway, here is a bit of dialog from the movie (Mike is the cop):

Mike: I hate germs, and... diseases.
Terry: What about bugs?
Mike: Pretty much hate them too.
Terry: You know you sleep with bugs?
Mike: What?
Terry: You - sleep - with - bugs.
Mike: No, I, I-I-I don't, actually.
Terry: Yeah, you do. Everyone does. Dust mites. They're in your carpets, in your bed. They look like little lobsters. You know, in fact, they're distant relatives.

The sequel is about a movie that kills you if you watch it. Well, actually, they just show this one a second time.

Great Litigations Bullwinkle!

A New York judge ordered the online dating service Great Expectations to refund the fees charged to two "intelligent, well-spoken and attractive professional women" after they got no dates. One woman had paid $1,000 for a six-month deal, the other paid $3,790 for a 54-month "Marriage Program" and "Platinum Shopper" contract. Please be aware that for $3,790, I'll be happy to go out on a date with you. For an extra thousand bucks, I'll marry you. What the hell, for ten-thousand in cash, I'll bear your children, or at least be willing to change their diapers!

A Police Dog Ate My Homework

When I was a college student, the secretaries from the dean's office interrupted a class I was in because the President of the United States wanted to talk to one of the students in the class on the telephone. That was impressive, but it really doesn't get you anything, the guy had straight-A's anyway.

One the other hand, the Allegheny County (PA) police department recently blew up an eighth-grader's science project that was unintentionally left near the greeting cards display at a local drugstore. How cool is that! It has to be the greatest excuse ever: the Bomb Squad nuked my homework assignment!

Are You A Psychic Or A Psycho?

Here's your chance to find out, click HERE for the psychic test from the Psychic Chicken Network.

You can also ask the Psychic Chicken questions, click HERE.