Send wirecutters!

I decided to clean out the three file drawers where I've been dumping computer parts and cables for year. There is just as much mess to the left of the picture--I lacked a wide lens.

Decorate a tree or three online!

CLICK HERE

Worst Christmas gift ever!

Step 1 -- Take out large insurance policy on someone you love.

Step 2 -- Give that person the following gift!

It's a real product -- from the x-tremegeek catalog!

"Pa. police arrest Amish man in buggy for DUI"

The full article.

OOPS!

You will have to waste time on Tuesday!

THESE SILLY LABELS are major funny!

Oh boy! Oh boy!

Snow is forecast for Wednesday!

I hate snow!

But, I had to have my driveway rebuilt so I had it heated!

Yes. The world's most unnecessay expense. A heated driveway.

By the way, would you like to buy a snow blower?

Waste more of Monday!

There really is not was to describe this!

finished ch 6

did outline for 7;
determined to finish before Christmas.

The more you click, the more time you waste!

Absolutely pointless--it's perfect

Click here to go to webpage. Click the little gray box on the screen. Press C on your keyboard to pick/change colors. You can make piles of sand.

A tiny milestone in the history of publishing...

I sold my 200th copy on amazon.com in the wee hours of this morning!

I decided that I'm not getting older...

...gravity is getting stronger.

silly signs to waste some time

Click Here For Silly Signs

Calling Charlie Tuna! Mr. Tuna!

Levi is going full-monty in Playgirl.

Here he is going half-monty changing a diaper.

Monday morning waste of time inspiration!

How to make Slinkies out of Postit notes!

A week of yard work

I have been working in the year all week, except for yesterday when it rained alllllllllllllllllllllllll daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I am trying to sell my snow blower -- it has 6 forward speeds and two reverse -- but I need to have it serviced first.

My riding mower has two blades. They clank together when I start the mower so I have to have that fixed.

My power mower is self propelled but it just ain't propelling! That also needs to be fixed.

I paid a plumber to fix three plumbing problems. He charged me $485. Two of the problems he didn't actually fix.

I've had my car for 2 years. I just discovered that it has a voice-activated radio. That seems to me to the the most useless idea of all time. On the other hand, they should put trash compactors in cars -- little tiny trash compactors.

Mechanically yours,

Jim

Happy Monday! Give this puppy a try.

The Canadian Citizenship Test

Oops!

The city has added a sidewalk to one of the streets near where I live. We have rural-type mailboxes so they left space between the curb and the new sidewalk for the mailbox poles. Oops, they didn't leave enough room for the, you know, mailboxes. The have had to turn them all sideways on the side of the street with the sidewalk. I don't know if the mailman in his little post office truck has to pull into each driveway. A closeup of one of the mailboxes is below. The street is still technically closed--I guess they don't want people to laugh at the funny row of mailboxes. Oops!

Here comes the cold!

We have had bunches of rain! It streamed up from Texas and Oklahoma following I-44. The remnants of this SW system can be seen in the lower right of the radar image above.

A cold front with rain is pressing in from the northwest. That is the batch of green in the middle left of the image. The blue in front of the cold front is the windshift line--the gusty winds that hit before the cold front gets here.

The sky is falling! The sky is falling. Nope, it was just a walnut.

Scary bulletin from Weather Bureau above.
Picture that I just took (4:35 PM CDT) from my back deck below.

24 Hour Loop of all commercial aircraft worldwide (in yellow)

OPENS FULL SCREEN

This takes 'waste of time' to a whole new level!

Guess the number!

That's all. You just guess the number!

This is an insult to the memory of every GI who died liberating Italy!

And it's just damn scary!

A Monday morning fun waste of time!

Current View of the Earth from the MOON!

Current View of the Earth from the SUN.

Pictures of the Northern Light/Aurora Borealis.*

*As we approach 2012, the aurora will be visible further south -- including in New Mexico just for Moni!

Oddly, this keeps getting worse the more of the article that you read!

Judge dismisses animal cruelty charges against police officer Robert Melia for sex with cows

I have not felt very good lately. On the other hand...

Woman dies after catching fire during surgery

Man is fatally shot during his gun safety lesson

There seems to be a lot of gun-safety lesson deaths:
Phoenix man killed in gun-safety demo

Fort Lewis soldier killed in accidental shooting while teaching wife gun safety

sick

am i

I kid you not...

The lobby of our local post office has all those new self-service contraptions--and an attendant to explain how to use them. (1) Are they not missing the point of self-service? (2) I want my school taxes back!

People with talent are so annoying!

Artist creates famous landmarks from around the world out of six million toothpicks.

Read Story, More Pictures

Famous tongue twisters

1. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
2. Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
3. Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
4. Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
5. Clowns grow glowing crowns.
6. How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
7. Send toast to ten tense stout saints' ten tall tents.
8. Stupid superstition!
9. He threw three free throws.
10. Willy's real rear wheel.
11. Plymouth sleuths thwart Luther's slithering.
12. Preshrunk silk shirts.
13. She had shoulder surgery.

20 most bizarre Craigslist adverts of all time

This is one of the least strange! CLICK HERE

It was TV's Golden Age.

Writer Larry Gelbart, who developed the hit television show "M*A*S*H" that uncovered a rich wellspring of comedy and pathos in war, died of cancer on Friday at age 81.

Gelbert got his start on Your Show of Shows, and early TV hit. It was a live 90 minute comedy variety show staring Sid Caesar. No cue cards were used.

In addition to Caesar, the show starred Carl Reiner, Howard Morris, and Imogene Coca.

Your Show of Shows was also responsible for bringing together one of the best comedy writing teams in television history, including Lucille Kallen (the inspiration for Sally Rogers, played by Rose Marie on The Dick Van Dyke Show), Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Michael Stewart (Bye Bye Birdie, Hello, Dolly!, 42d Street), and Larry Gelbart.

Spin-offs include: A TV show (The Dick Van Dyke Show), a movie (My Favorite Year, produced by Mel Brooks), and a play (Laughter on the 23rd Floor, written by Neil Simon).

NBC destroyed the original Kinescope recordings of the show but clips saved by the cast were made into a movie (Ten from Your Show of Shows) and a DVD (The Sid Caesar Collection).

No, it's not a fake, but you can fake it if you want!

The Whole Nutty Story

Add the squirrel to your own photo.

The English spell "curb" as "kerb" -- here are some others:

chili -- chilli

draft beer -- draught beer

gray -- grey

liquorice -- licorice

phony -- phoney

pajamas -- pyjamas

plow -- plough

story (of a building) -- storey

tire -- tyre

The test will be Thursday.

Life has passed me by, Part 23

My car went in last week for its annual oil change. I had a loaner car. It was a new model with just a few miles. It had no gas cap, just some kind of contraption that you stick the nozzle into. Who knew such things existed?

Am I the only one on the planet who did not know that Microsoft no longer sold Money? I used Money for years but switch to Quickbooks because it will print deposit slips. They killed Money!

Pennies, which I assumed were made of copper, are actually 97.5% zinc, but nickels are 75% copper. I'm so confused.

United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff

No, I am not making this up:

United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (1971), was a court case in which a man attempted to sue Satan. It was dismissed on a technicality.

In the suit, Gerald Mayo filed a claim before the United States District Court for the Western District of Pennsylvania alleging that "Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall" and had therefore "deprived him of his constitutional rights".

The technicality was that the plaintiff had not included instructions for how the U.S. Marshal could serve process on Satan.

United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (1971)

NOTE: 54 FRD 282 means Volume 54 of the Federal Rules Decisions (big law books), page 282.

I love the "...and His Staff" part!

UPDATE Even for me, this is seriously strange:

Click below to go the the comments for my post on July 19, 2008. I am going back to sleeping under the below:

It got too strange so I toasted the original post. Below is a scrren amage of the comments section.

The truth is finally clear!

The whole Industrial Revolution has been a conspiracy by the plants to get us to produce more carbon dioxide to quench their insatiable lust for sugar (See: Photosynthesis). We've been outsmarted yet again by the African Violets.

What kind of world has this become...

...when you can't trust the word of a sadistic mass-murderer.

I woke up very eary Sunday morning...

I'm going back to bed, but I turned on the TV.

Steam mops are being sold on four channels.

Ignoring the obvious question of "Who on earth needs a steam mop?" are there really that many people who wake up on Sunday morning and say "You know what, I need a steam mop!"

How dirty would your floor have to be that you had to use steam to get it clean?

You can shoot me now, I've see it all!

Woman ahead of me in the McDonald's drive-thru...

Holding her cell phone with her arm stretched as close to the order speaker as she could...

So her children -- presumably at home or in juvenile detention -- could each place their own order.

Not sure about this. Might be a good idea.

• You go to snailmailr.com.
• Fill in your address.
• Fill in who will receive your letter.
• Then a Word-type screen allows you to write your letter.
• Then you pay $1 (or $1.15 for no snailmailr logo).
• They send your letter by USPS.
• I'm just not sure. I would not invest in it, but I might use it.

Is it blinking or flashing?

Missouri is experimenting with flashing yellow left-turn arrows at traffic intersections. (Some other states already use them.) The familiar sign above is apparently too confusing.

The flashing yellow arrows mean turn with caution after yielding to oncoming traffic and pedestrians. It St. Louis it means crunch!

"Murder for ratings?"

"SAO PAULO, Brazil - In one murder after another, the Canal Livre TV show had an uncanny knack for being first on the scene, gathering graphic footage of the victim."

'Cuz the TV host may have commissioned five murders!

The whole story is HERE.

hehe

Huh?

Eight people were arrested in St. Louis last week at a town hall meeting about health care. For the most part, they were protesters who could not get inside because the meeting hall was beyond legal capacity -- a call the Fire Marshall makes.

One of the guys arrested claims he was injured while being arrested. He was there to protest the President's health care plan. Turns out that he is unemployed and has no health insurance. He is asking for donations to help pay his medical expenses. He apparently has no sense of irony!

Kidnapping Alert!

If you see this man, please contact your local police.
Full story: St. Louis Post-Dispatch

please stop

men -- no more eyebrow grooming, you look like Joan Crawford.

men -- no more diamond earrings in both ears, you look like Boy George.

women -- no more hairdos that in any way resemble Kate Gosselin's.

Him? How much?

Eli Manning will get $106.9 million over the next seven seasons as quarterback for the New York Giants. That's an NFL-high average annual income of $15.27 million.

The guy doesn't even look athletic much less like a pro football player!

from caterpillar to butterfly

Whine

I have been really bad lately about making comments about comments. I have been having work done on the house. Some of you will understand this as an excuse for everything. Others of you, who have never had work done on your house, will ask "What's the big deal?"

Let's start with irrigation.

Oops. Two sprinkler heads do not work and two others do not osculate (thereby creating big puddles). The following is a summary of the past four weeks!

"We've fixed the two non-working heads, here's the bill."

"But, still no water comes out of them."

"Probably the $#$%$# umbucknob needs replacing, here's another bill."

"But, still no water comes out of them."

"It's that #@$$#@$% hose, the &%$#&% is not big enough, will have to trench, here's another bill."

Tomorrow, we will discuss 'Fun with Stone Masons."

It's an informal browser...

I don't understand

Missouri allows compulsive gamblers to ban themselves from the state's casinos for life. Over 14,000 people have signed up even though a casino will have you arrested for trespassing if you show up. (You have to show an ID is you win big, ask for comps, or get a cash advance. Like other states, Illinois has copied the Missouri system but also pays casino workers a $250 bounty for each banned-player they catch.)

What do I not understand: in Missouri, over 1,000 self-banned players are arrested each year!

Maybe it adds to the thrill.

I always get in the wrong line, but...

World Class Bad Decisions

Lucille Ball sold Desilu Productions, including the old RKO studios, for $6 million. Star Trek alone has generated billions in the years since the sale. Oops!

IBM wanted to buy the rights to MS-Basic, a programming language from Microsoft. They planned to by the operating system from another company in Seattle. The two IBM guys got tired of waiting around at the other company -- rather than wait for the IBM guys, the owner had taken his kid to play in a soccer game. IBM went back to Gates and asked "Can you make an operating system?" The result was MS-Dos, which evolved into Windows. The soccer game was probably the most expensive parenting decision ever made! Oops.

Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest (pictured above) were co-hosts of American Idol for the show's first two seasons. After the second seaon, Dunkleman decided to quit. Seacrest will make $15 million per seaon for the next three years on Idol. He also hosts E! News on the E! cable network, the annual Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast on ABC, On Air with Ryan Seacrest, which is based on KIIS-FM in Los Angeles and is syndicated throughout the United States on Premiere Radio Networks, and American Top 40, which is also syndicated by Premiere Radio Networks. Dunkleman was recently quoted as saying he probably made a "bad decision" leaving Idol. Dah! Do ya think? Oops!

The natives are just goofy!

Stopped at roadside stand to buy tomatoes and straw.

Big sign said "Corn, Tomatoes, Straw."

Had corn, didn't need more.

JIM: "I'd like these tomatoes and a bale of straw."

FARM PUNK: "I don't think we got straw."

JIM: "The sign says 'Straw'."

FARM PUNK: "I don't think we got straw."

I took his repeated answer to mean "I don't know if we have any straw but I will check."

He meant what he said, however, he didn't know and he didn't plan to find out.

My theory has always been that the ancestors of the locals headed west like everyone else, but unlike everyone else they couldn't figure out how to get across the Mississippi River. And then they inbred, and don't know if they have straw.

Once again, is there really a shortage?

Why don't these guys work on changing crabgrass into prime rib?

At least they are consistent!

Why not just say it's going to rain?
Do they get paid by the word?

Note: At exactly 1am there will be no rain!

First word said on the moon...

March 2, 1793 – July 26, 1863

7th Governor of Tennessee
1st President of the Republic of Texas
3rd President of the Republic of Texas
United States Senator from Texas
7th Governor of Texas
[Only person to have been the governor of two different states.]

"Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed."

Oh no!

The Most Fattening Foods of Summer Slideshow

I eaten everything on these slides this weekend, so this might be goodbye!

It's going to be a really odd insurance claim!

"MOUNT PLEASANT, Wis. (AP) -- One southern Wisconsin homeowner is probably not in love with the Oscar Mayer wiener. The famed hot dog's Wienermobile crashed Friday into the deck and garage of a home in Mount Pleasant, about 35 miles south of Milwaukee. "

REST OF THE STORY

They flew one of these over Busch Stadium for the All-Star Game

It also flew over my house. I thought the Martians had arrived.

Smoking is bad for you in oh so many ways!

Josh Muszynski, of Manchester NH, used his debit card to buy a pack of cigarettes at a gas station. His back account was debited for $23,148,855,308,184,500.00. That's over 23 quadrillion dollars:

twenty-three quadrillion,
one hundred forty-eight trillion,
eight hundred fifty-five billion,
three hundred eight million,
one hundred eighty-four thousand,
five hundred dollars.

Bank of America charged his $15 dollars for the overdraft (with "overdraft" here being the understatement of all time!).

The story is HERE.

I understans completely

I told them not to wash it inhot water!

Very clever!

Look who I'm calling stupid!

Went through the drive-thru line at Kentucky Fried Chicken Sunday evening. I forgot to order, so when I got to the windows they had no food for me. True.

But, here are some stupid criminals for your Monday morning!

Click HERE.

Well. it seemed like a good idea!

I saw a TV spot for Shake 'n Pour.
I like pancakes.
I looked in the refrigerated coolers at the store. Nope.
So I looked in the freezer aisle. Nope.
So I looked in the pancake-mix aisle. Victory.
I didn't read the instructions until I got home.
It is not a liquid like the TV commercial.
There is dry pancake powder in the bottom that goes up to just below the top of the blue Bisquick logo.
The rest of the bottle is air.
That's right, I essentially bought air.
The pancake mix that is in the bottom of the bottle is the same stuff in the much cheaper boxes of pancake mix on the same shelf.
That's right, I essentially bought air.
To get actual pancake batter, you have to add water, just like you do to make pancakes using the mix from the much cheaper boxes.
I don't add water. That would be cooking!
I don't cook!
I also do not do ironing or windows.
If I did cook, however, it would be just as easy -- and much cheaper -- to use a bowl and a spoon to make the pancake batter.
A one-time-use pancake batter-mixer jug thing -- call the landfills and tell them to expand!

Huh?

Is there a shortage?

Have we really gotten to be that lazy?

What about Father's Day? All those cards and ties going unsold is not going to help the economy!

Geographic Trivia Time

Dalhart is a city in the far northwest corner of the Texas Panhandle. It is the county seat of Dallam County although about half of the town is in Hartley County. (Contrary to popular belief, the town was never the county seats for both counties.)

Dalhart is located closer to six other state capitals than to Austin:

• 491 miles from Austin
• 201 miles from Santa Fe, New Mexico
• 281 miles from Oklahoma City
• 289 miles from Denver, Colorado
• 375 miles from Cheyenne, Wyoming
• 434 miles from Topeka, Kansas
• 458 miles from Lincoln, Nebraska

I couldn't be more proud!

The guy in the picture is Aaron Schock, one of Illinois' U.S. Congressmen. The photo was apparently leaked to the press to help squelch rumors that he's gay. Not sure if there's a Plan B.


I think he has his eyebrows groomed (see below).

Dull day at your desk?

Montage-a-Google
Click on Launch Project
I entered my name -- none of the people above, however, are me.

I have Charlie Brown's tomato plants

Image above -- Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree

Image below -- my tomato bushes for this year. I have no idea why they did not grow bushier or taller. But, oddly enough, they do have tomatoes.