"Hey, I watched 'American Idol' last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than 'Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.'"
"Here's the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC's already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes."
"And after Barack Obama, I watched John John McCain's ad on TV. I thought it was McCain's ad. Turned out it was just Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical. 'Check it often! Check your blood sugar!'"
"And McCain says he's ready for Halloween. McCain says he's going to wear a Barack Obama mask and go as a socialist."
"And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn't that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you're going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she's wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes, you know?"
"John McCain was on Larry King’s show last night, and it got kind of awkward when Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama."
"But on that show, Larry King and John McCain looked like two guys who would be fighting over Cloris Leachman."
"And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?"
"But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie."
"In Senator Obama's quest to become the president of television, Obama bought a half-hour infomercial and ran it during prime time on seven different networks. Opening with actual footage of amber waves of grain [on screen: opening to Obama's infomercial] presumably to demonstrate he's the type of guy you want to make a beer with."
"I've noticed a number of athletes are now endorsing candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain's been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe."
"Joe the plumber was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today, but didn't show up. Yeah. So, apparently, the guy really is a plumber."
"Obama is ahead in every major poll. One online gambling site has him as a seven to one favorite to win. They're saying the only way Obama could lose this election right now is if they made him bowl for it."
"The governor of California is the actor and former body builder, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He announced that he opposes Proposition 8. Proposition 8 is the proposition in California that would ban gay marriage. ... Arnold also opposes Proposition 14, which would require all Governors of California to speak some English."