The single worst idea ever!

ABC is going to do a sitcom based on the Gieco Insurance "caveman" commercials. Story here.

I need a new doctor

one with short, skinny fingers

The company that owns your local Burger King just bought Chrysler!

Now you can get a PT Cruiser and a vanilla shake at the same place.

This site went right past waste-of-time and straight to just-plain-stupid

But it meets our Monday morning goal of wasting as much time as possible!

It's pictures of people jumping on hotel beds.

It's actually sort of hypnotic.

Just in time for Mother's Day (Update)

The goslings finally hatched this morning. The pix above is a stock photo -- by the time I went in to get my camera and got back out, mama, papa, and the rest of the gaggle were gone. The parents apparently lead them to water soon after hatching -- we're hoping it wasn't straight down the seawall (splash!).

Update: I checked just before dark and mama goose is back in the nest with the goslings under her. Every now and then one pops out from one side and scurries and ducks under the other side. Ah, there no place like home.

People Who Should Not Be Allowed To Vote - Part Duo

This is our continuation from yesterday of people who are too stupid to be able to drive and, therefore, should not be allowed to vote. That's our new rule.

Disenfranchised Group B

In this group are those drivers who are too stupid to comprehend, much less execute, the two-lane left-turn.

It seems pretty simple. There are two side-by-side lanes with big white arrows and "Only" painted on them. There are identical "Left Turn Signal" signs next to the equally identical green-arrow left-turn traffic lights. There is that hatched-line curving through the intersection. There are the two lanes of opposing traffic with their left-turn blinkers flashing like crazy. What is it these idiots don't see?

There are two major variations. The first is the driver in the leftmost of the two left-turn lanes who cuts across the hatched line and into or nearly into the other traffic turning left. I have seen drivers do this when that other traffic included a semi truck. Do they just not notice the, you know, really big truck moving along side their passenger-side window.

The second variation is the driver who needs to make a right turn as soon as he or she gets through the intersection but, for some incomprehensible reason, decides to use the leftmost of the two left-turn lanes. This means either cutting in front of someone and hitting the breaks or, my personal favorite, coming to a complete stop in the left traffic lane and then making a sharp right turn across the right lane to get where then needed to go. Drivers in the right lane who stop to let these nincompoops make an illegal turn should also loose the right to vote and have to listen to nothing but Sanjaya singing for a year.

Part 3 tomorrow.

People Who Should Not Be Allowed To Vote - Part 1

If you are too stupid to be able to drive, and continually endanger everyone in close proximity to you, you should not be allowed to vote. That's our new rule.

Disenfranchised Group A

If you are so illiterate that you cannot read -- or so dense that you are not able to comprehend the meaning of -- those big signs that say "Right Lane Must Turn Right" then you should automatically forfeit the right to vote.

There is an intersection that I frequently go through in Missouri where one right-turn lane has three, yes three, Right Lane Must Turn Right signs, plus several large arrows painted on the asphalt, plus a Right Turn Only sign on the overhead traffic signal. Incomprehensively, at least one out of every three times through that intersection there will be some yahoo sitting in the right lane waiting for the right-turn arrow to turn to a green light, inconveniencing every other driver in that lane. Said yahoo will then go straight, either sideswiping the driver going straight in the, you know, going-straight lane or forcing that driver to swerve in to the path of opposing traffic in order to avoid the sideswipe!

I use the Missouri intersection just as an example -- there is an epidemic of right-turn lane clunkheads out there, inconsiderate slops, fender-bender menaces, who deserve neither to vote nor to walk upright.

Part 2 tomorrow.

Cold enough to freeze the off a brass monkey

Where do all those phrases we use everyday come from?

It's time for our Monday morning time waster.

This should make your day as unproductive as possible.

The Phrase Finder

Be specific of what you wish for

As usual, this all began innocently enough. My sister gave me a television for Christmas. I didn't need another TV but I pretended that I did. I eventually put it in my bedroom, although I am philosophically opposed to TV's in bedrooms (cuz that were you go to get away from the TV). The TV has been up there ever since Christmas -- I've never watched it because there was no cable connection in my bedroom (that philosophical thing again) and I couldn't figure out how to attach the rabbit ears.

Meanwhile I keep sitting off the security alarm, and the security company keeps calling, and if you don't respond in time they call the police. This has gotten old for all parties involved. The problem has been that I have very few phones connected to the landline -- regular visitors will recall that the only one that works is in a basement bathroom. There has definitely not been one in my bedroom, you probably get the idea why by now.

So today the plan was to have a phone line put in my bedroom, but not a cable connection -- and to put a cable connection in the guest bedroom just in case I ever have guests. That was the plan. I thought that I had adequately explained the plan to the installers -- phone in bedroom, cable in guest bedroom.

It turns out, so the installer told me, that there already was a cable connection in the guest bedroom. Good! Saved that expense. Below are photos of the actual execution of The Plan!

Above is a photo from the guest bedroom. The pre-existing cable connection is on the right. The installer put in the phone jack to the left. Okay, there already was a jack by the bed, but okay. Now the good part. He ran a new cable connection behind the new phone jack but didn't connect it to anything. Meanwhile the, you know, pre-existing cable jack is not actually connected to the, you know, cable system. So, oddly enough, I still have no working cable connection in the guest bedroom although there are now two different cable wires running to that bedroom.

Wait, it gets better. The photo below is of the phone jack that he installed in my bedroom. As you can see, it is an actual phone jack, behind the nightstand, and it actually works. If you look closely, however, you will notice that the same outlet also has a cable connection. Something that I specifically said that I didn't want but not a big problem, but keep reading below the photo of the combined phone/cable outlet..


Now for the really fun part. The newly installed phone/cable outlet is behind the nightstand next to my bed. The following photo shows the relationship between that outlet and the TV.

The black object just barely in the frame in the lower-left corner of the picture is the nightstand behind which lurks the newly installed cable outlet. To actually attach the cable to the TV, of course, would mean running a loose coaxial cable across the carpeting to the exact opposite wall in the room. Functional perhaps, but neither very attractive nor safe.

And, yes, I have exactly the same carpeting as your local cineplex, we have been over that before. And, yes, I have no draperies in my bedroom, I'm a heathen.

Forward my mail to under my bed!

Rooty and I just went to McDonald's. Big surprise, huh? Actually the second time today and it's only four o'clock.

We went to the McDonald's on the far side of town. It's farther from the house but has a five-lane highway leading to it so it's faster.

There was a pickup truck ahead of us, with two guys having what appeared to be a very animated discussion. I eventually realized that they were indeed arguing, but in sign. I had a friend in Austin who taught at the School for the Deaf so I does know sign when I sees it! I also does know some of the dirty words.

The problems with two guys in a pickup truck going down the road arguing in sign is that the driver has to look at the other guy to see what he's saying. Every time he turned to his right, he also turned the steering wheel to the right, and drove out oto the paved shoulder. This weaving and arguing went on all the all through town.

With them safely out of the way we got out food, visited with the assistant manager for a few minutes at the drive-up window, and headed back home. We were the first car in a left-turn lane on the way back, just in time to see the lady drive through the intersection putting curlers/rollers in her hair using both hands. It was one of those wonderful moments when you feel connected to other people that you do not know as the woman in the car next to us, and the people in the two cars facing us, all turned our heads in unison to watch hair-girl roll past. There was a few seconds of common shared amazement and then the lights changed.

Every time I turn off the facet in my bathroom sink, the toilet flushes. This could not be good.