Just in case your attacker is near-sighted and very, very stupid

Crime-fighting camouflage clothing!

Link to a slideshow with more examples.

In a confusion of mass vs. velosity...

BERLIN (Reuters) - A thief caught shoplifting a packet of cheese from a supermarket in Germany tried to make his getaway in a cement mixer, but he was quickly nabbed by police.

The holely may not be the saved!

I had two 12-pak cases of root beer in a lower kitchen cabinet. Today I noticed a few black spots on the carpeting. I opened the cabinet -- MOLD, and lots of it.

Eight of the 24 cans had popped open. Not exploded, their tab-tops were just open a tad.

I had to wash the cabinet.

I had to wash the soda cans.

A box of crackers and a box of dog biscuits were lost to the MOLD.

The photos above are of the saved (on countertop) and the damned (in the sink).

It's just like that Duke of Windsor thing

He gave up his crown for the woman he loved.

Eric Affholter, 41, a lawyer and public defender in St. Louis put love ahead of the law.

He got a year of probation and a $2,000 fine. He had faced up to six months in prison. But, alas, his true love done got deported.

Affholter's crime? He arranged a sham marriage so that his gay Peruvian lover could remain in the United States.

Ain't love just swell!

Could there be more of a Monday morning waste of time!

Write your own love poem -- CLICK HERE.

Here's mine:

Once More, My Love

This night I shall dream of your bedazzling blue hair and lion-eyes.
Wrapped in echoes of your mellifluous arm-music,
I long to sip from your appleful lips.
In my dreams, we fly on the exquisite winged pea of greenness -- skimming vast continents of legs and dogs.
The depths of all the oceans of the universe shall never separate our peachs.
Brilliant as plateing houses, the seas greet us from afar.
In the twilight we feast on chocolate-coated cows and tender pianohearts of love
Adorned in white silk, we pluck our banging love chimes from our toes.
I press the pillow that you wear around your neck against my leg-muffin so that our apples melt into one.
You will always be my little Fat Head-cakes face, the lion of my own plateing eye of love.

My new car knows who I am!

When I approach it, it unlocks its doors.

To start it, I push a button, no key is required.

I find myself walking into other doors, expecting them also to recognize me and unlock themselves.

Yes, my new car has actually made me dumber.

I want my school taxes back. Vol. 16. Part 3.

Went to OfficeMax to buy envelopes, paper, and (oddly enough) a padlock.

At check-out lane, I'm watching the little credit-card screen while the clerk is scanning my items.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Me: "It's not reading the scans, nothing shows on the screen."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Her: "The total will appear when I finish."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Me: [Glancing over at the nothing.] "Nothing is showing up on the register."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Her: [Annoyed.] It will when I finish."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

After the last beep, she looked at her register and realized that nothing she had scanned had been recorded by the register, much less totaled.

She pressed a few keys.

Her: "I'll have to scan everything again, there was something wrong with the computer."

And, Chevy Chase would turn to Jane Curtin and say "Jane, you ignorant sl*t."

Maybe a defense for Larry Craig (R-ID)

The Ig Nobel Prizes are organized by the magazine Annals of Improbable Research. The ceremony is co-sponsored by the Harvard-Radcliffe Society of Physics Students and the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Association. The Ig Nobel Prizes honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology.

Some for the 2007 Winners:

PEACE: The Air Force Wright Laboratory, Dayton, Ohio, USA, for instigating research & development on a chemical weapon -- the so-called "gay bomb" -- that will make enemy soldiers become sexually irresistible to each other. [In case you missed the news stories, this is not made up.]

MEDICINE: Brian Witcombe of Gloucester, UK, and Dan Meyer of Antioch, Tennessee, USA, for their penetrating medical report "Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects."

PHYSICS: L. Mahadevan of Harvard University, USA, and Enrique Cerda Villablanca of Universidad de Santiago de Chile, for studying how sheets become wrinkled.

LINGUISTICS: Juan Manuel Toro, Josep B. Trobalon and Núria Sebastián-Gallés, of Universitat de Barcelona, for showing that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards.

LITERATURE: Glenda Browne of Blaxland, Blue Mountains, Australia, for her study of the word "the" -- and of the many ways it causes problems for anyone who tries to put things into alphabetical order.

and my personal favorite:

AVIATION: Patricia V. Agostino, Santiago A. Plano and Diego A. Golombek of Universidad Nacional de Quilmes, Argentina, for their discovery that Viagra aids jetlag recovery in hamsters. [ REFERENCE: "Sildenafil Accelerates Reentrainment of Circadian Rhythms After Advancing Light Schedules," Patricia V. Agostino, Santiago A. Plano and Diego A. Golombek, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, vol. 104, no. 23, June 5 2007, pp. 9834-9.]

Here a really good idea...

Tired of that annoying razor stubble in your bathroom sink, leave it lodged in your computer's keyboard instead.
USB Powered Rechargeable Shaver, $19.95

odd

the old itsjim blog, that I once had, then some Lesbian had (not that there's anything wrong with that) is now in another language.

http://itsjim.blogspot.com/