Sunday, March 30, 2008

Odds and More Odds

A keg, cars, noise, and high school students. The cops gave 90 kids breath tests. Oops! The keg was full of root beer. The point: Dustin Zebro, 18, said he staged the party with root beer served in red plastic cups after friends at his high school got suspended from sports because of pictures showing them drinking from red cups."

The root-beer kegger was "to kind of make fun of the school," he said. "They assumed there was beer in the cups. We just wanted to have some root beer in red cups and just make it look like a party, but there actually wasn't any alcohol."
Officials are trying to determine whether to file charges against a man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite television system in their home.

Patsy D. Long, 34, of Deepwater, Missouri, was pronounced dead early Saturday evening after being shot in the chest with a .22-caliber handgun. Her husband, Ronald Long, fired the shot from the inside of their home after several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means.

Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.
Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

Friday, March 28, 2008

This is a hail of a way to run a country.

We have been having hail at least once a week, Whoever is in charge of hail, please stop it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Field of Dreams

This is the where Rooty and I have lunch most days -- it's a McDonalds attached to a gas station! If they attached a Krispy Kreme, Rooty and I would never have to leave!

You think I have too much time on my hands, CLICK HERE for the Great Donut Experiment.

Monday, March 24, 2008

We must hunt down and kill whoever thinks this stuff up...

present tense - lay
past tense - laid
past participle - laid

present tense - lie
past tense - lay
past participle - lain

I lay the pencil
on the bed. I lie down on the bed.
I laid the pencil on the bed. I lay awake on the bed.
I have laid the pencil on the bed. I have lain on the bed all day.

And let's not forget go, went, gone. Go is present tense. Went is past tense. Gone is the past participle. No wonder kids hate school.

And why are men blond but women are blonde?

If you ket them talk during the movie...

...they think they can do anything they want, no matter how stupid. You should click and read the entire article, it has a surprise end.

LIHUE, Hawaii (AP) — A man hoping to cheer up an ailing relative at Wilcox Memorial Hospital hadn't considered one of the visitation rules: No horses allowed.

The man thought the patient would enjoy seeing his stallion, said Lani Yukimura, a spokeswoman at the hospital. He and the horse entered the hospital earlier this month and rode an elevator up to the third floor, where they were met and stopped by security personnel.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Saturday, March 22, 2008

"Don't make come back there!"

I am a fairly tolerant person, except for people who have no grasp of the concept of gravity.

I feel really sorry for the people whose homes have been damaged by our recent floods. Flood waters are not bat tub waters. Flood waters leave a thick layer of gooey mud --plus sticks, beer cans and other debris. You not only have to powerwash your walls and floors, you have to wash everything in bleach. If the plasterboard does not pop off the walls on its own, you have to break it out and bleach the studs to keep mold from growing.

On the other hand, we had our usual news clips of people saying "I never thought it would get this high." Let's see, your home is on a stretch of land that is flat as a cookie sheet, and next to a river. When you bought, you had to turn down federal floodplain insurance. What part of "The river will crest 13 feet above flood stage" did you just not understand?

My favorite are the old guys who are going to "ride it out." Ride what out, being an imbecile? The water is already to his back door and is expected to rise another nine feet. Can the guy just not do the math? He's six feet. The water will be three feet higher than the top of his head, which puts it above his living room windows. No wonder people make money selling used cars and easy-credit wedding rings!

Of course, nothing tops "I put my trust in Jesus." Unless 'Jesus' pronouces his name 'hey-seus' and is filling sandbags in your back yard you can pretty much kiss your living room sofa goodbye. If you live in a floodplain, and that there river is going to be 23 feet above flood stage -- and Moses is not available -- you are going to be getting a little more that damp, whether Jesus loves you or not.

Friday, March 21, 2008

My two new favorite Good Friday traditions

Kites are flown in Bermuda on Good Friday.

Louisiana Cajuns do not dig in the dirt on Good Friday.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I know some of you will be concerned, about Rooty.

Rooty and I are high and dry, we are not in any floodplain. The lake came up several feet but went down quickly. The house is 20 feet above the lake.

Mother is near the Missouri River but high up -- it she flooded most of the Midwest would be under water. Depending up whether or not I-44 is closed by the flood waters, Rooty and I may not be able to go to her house for Easter. I-44, as did US66, goes through all of the towns that will see the worst flooding from the Meramec River -- Fenton, Valley Park, Eureka, and Pacific. The Meramec is expected to reach an all-time high crest and might be two-feet over I-44 at Valley Park. MODOT is going to sandbag and try to keep it open.

Today is the Vernal EquinoxI

I tried to balance a glass of eggnog on the point of my head but it fell off into my mouth.

Probably the codeine.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I feel blue

My tooth that chipped -- see Monday -- is infected. It chipped because it's dead, way deep inside my gum. The pain is mind-numbing and the codeine the dentist gave me Tuesday afternoon is not even touching it! My face is all swollen and, yes, I know four file drawers are open. I don't know why, probably the codeine.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I chipped a tooth

for some reason, it fascinates my tongue

And, another reason I cannot marry you...

you're not Irish

Sunday, March 16, 2008

This sounds like a really stupid idea...

And fodder for a hundred bad puns, but it actually seems pretty clever...

Ladies and Gents, a play from Ireland with a cast of six, will open on Monday for a two-week engagement in the public bathrooms near the Bethesda Fountain in New York's Central Park.

The play has of two acts -- one that takes place in the ladies’ room and one that takes place in the men's room.

This is the clever part, the audience splits upon arrival, each half seeing a different act first, and after a brief intermission the halves of the audience switch bathrooms. In the play’s chronology the acts are taking place simultaneously, and each act answers questions raised in its counterpart. From the NY Times.

Okay, these are mine:

If it's a hit, it'll move to Flushing Meadow.

The #1 Play of the Year.

Larry Craig Disrupts Thespians.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

The weakest link is the last, and I want my school taxes back, Part 487

McDonald's probably spent millions developing the automatic softdrink machine, that pops out the correct size cup and fills it with ice and soda simultaneously with your drive-thru order being placed.

It's a system that depends on teenagers grasping the concept that the drinks need to be served in exactly the same order that they come off the assembly line. Oops!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Why did I spend the money...

“In support of this, the court finds 1) that the association gave the homeowner different reasons at different times for its actions, and it would implacably adopt and then abandon its various stated reasons.”

Thursday, March 13, 2008

14 months after I applied to the Lake Board for a building permit...

The Court ruled today that I have the right to build this gazebo in my side yard.

And another reason I can't marry you...

You're just 1's and 0's.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I don't feel strongly about this, so don't send me hate mail

"Plans to make school kids swear an oath of allegiance to Queen and country as a way of enhancing British citizenship were unravelling last night under a barrage of criticism in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."

As some of you may recall, I went to an unusual school -- it had a public bar. We also switched, as best I remember, from the Pledge of Allegiance to the Preamble to the Constitution in the 7th grade. I can still recite the Preamble, so we must have said it everyday, my memory is
otherwise not that good. I don't remember what we did in high school but I can also recite the Gettysburg Address so we must have said it from memory on a regular basis, maybe at the beginning of Civics classes.

In general, I don't like when adults take things that belong to kids, like Halloween. I have the same feeling about the
Pledge of Allegiance, it was written specifically for kids and I always feel like I'm stealing something from them. As I said in the HED, I don't have a strong feeling about this, it's just something that I remembered when I read about the todo on the UK.

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Last sentence of the Gettysburg Address:

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Abraham Lincoln 1863

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Just when you thought I could not get any more shallow

I have been interviewing attractive people to hire to stand by the pool this summer. I win the shallowness award!

I have not decided if I'm going to let them in the water, however, being attractive you don't know where they've been.

[Insert your own "shallow end of the pool" joke about here.]

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Maybe he just got tired of how they answered the phone...

Tom Hanks is said to be looking for a new lawyer.

Currently he is represented by Ziffren, Brittenham, Branca, Fischer, Gilbert-Lurie, Stiffelman, Cook, Johnson, Lande & Wolfe, LLP.

His previous law firm was Bloom, Hergott, Diemer, Rosenthal, LaViolette & Feldman, LLP.

Friday, March 07, 2008

I so need to get a life....

"Stairway to Heaven" -- by the English rock group Led Zeppelin -- is the most requested and most played song on FM radio stations in the United States, despite never having been released as a single here. It is also the biggest-selling single piece of sheet music with an average of 15,000 copies sold annually.

The very definition of a bad hair day:

WASHINGTON, Pa. (AP) — A hairstylist shot an unhappy client after she complained about her haircut, police said.

(Full article)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Just odd things

The Sovereign Military Order of Malta or Knights of Malta is a Catholic order based in Rome. Although the Order has no territory, it has diplomatic relations (exchanges ambassadors) with 99 countries and has official relations with five others. About 50 countries accept its stamps as legitimate postage.

Pittsburgh is farther west than the westernmost point in South America.

You can drive to France from the U.S., but you have to go through Canada. Two islands -- Saint-Pierre and Miquelon -- off the coast of Newfoundland are part of France. (Okay, they're islands, so the last leg of your trip would be by ferry.) The official currency is the Euro and the islands are part of the European Union. U.S. citizens need their passports (and a visa if they plan to stay more than 30 days.) Electrical outlets are 220 Volts, 50 Hz and the physical sockets are Standard French, so you'll need adapters.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

"The World's Funniest Joke"

A university professor conducted a "scientific experiment" to find the world's funniest joke --

Here's the winner:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Second place:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Top joke in England:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

As frequent visitors know, my favorite joke:

Blanche: Grace, what beautiful flowers.

Grace: I told George I was going to see Gladys Smith in the hospital and he said "Be sure and take her flowers."

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Yesterday we had no power!

Today, we had snow!
Tomorrow, my guess is locusts!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Feed the hampster

The power is out.
The computer is on backup.
I guess I could open the blinds and let some light in.
Nah. More fun this way.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I can see clearly now, the ice is gone

Rooty and I went out just at dusk (photo above) to throw some grass seed where the moles have plowed up the backyard. The sound you hear is the moles laughing.